


If I am strong enough

by KRS9559



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Dark, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Forced Marriage, Forced Pregnancy, Forced Relationship, Implied/Referenced Torture, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rescue Missions, Resistance, Sad, Smutty, This is really dark, This will be very dark, You Have Been Warned, sorry - Freeform, you were warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-02-18 06:46:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13094631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KRS9559/pseuds/KRS9559
Summary: Theo met Ben Solo as a child, and developed a very sticky relationship with him, one strictly forbidden by the Jedi Code. After escaping Ben, or Kylo as he is now called, during the Jedi massacre, she joined the resistance, and hopped she would never see the boy she once loved again, despite his chilling words that she would always be his, and would never truly escape him. Flash forward three years and she is a high ranking member of the resistance, with her partner Poe Dameron, until they get caught by Kylo, and he begins to make true of his promise.Original Female Jedi character/ Kylo Renand slight Original Female Jedi Character/ Poe DameronPreviously named "A Million Years Ago"





	1. How it began

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I imagine Theo as Kelsey Calemine , Also her full name is Theodosia Myra Melanou, which is pronounced as Theo-dough-ja My-ruh Melan-ow. Hope you enjoy!

Fire. That’s all I could see. The temples were all on fire, smoke and a few weak screams surrounding her, I stumbled forward, and pulled my light saber from her side. The curved hilt fitting my small hand perfectly, something she and Ben had spent weeks modifying to achieve, and the white light emitted from it illuminating the horrifying scene before her.

                The first thing she saw was the horribly slaughtered bodies of her fellow Jedi, at least 10 within her view. These were the people I had grown since I was a child; tears begin to rise at the mental image of my oldest friend, Ben, lying amongst the corpses, dead. I stumbled back once again, forcing the vomit rising in her throat back down. “A-a warrior does not mourn those lost until the fight is over.” I kept repeating this mantra in her head as she roamed, quietly looking for her master.

Everyone I had grown up with had been murdered, yet to see another person alive, and her master was nowhere to be found.

_' Master Luke please, I need your help. Something terrible has-is-happening please find me.'_

He didn’t respond. What did that mean? Had her master joined the others and perished? My heart stopped beating for a second at the thought, if Master Luke couldn’t defend himself against whatever monster had done this then she stood no chance. She would die here among her Jedi family, essentially helpless against whatever had caused this level of destruction in her home.

_'Theodosia run. Run. NOW.'_

                It was her Masters voice that jump started her, causing her feet to roughly push into the dirt, unknowingly running into the cause of this destruction. “Ben” She was relieved to find her friend unharmed, although he did have some blood on him. “Ben we have to go, something is happening, Master Luke said to leave, thank Gods I’m so glad I found you I was so worried..” I hugged him quickly, although he didn’t respond in anyway other than trapping her in the hug. “Ben we have to go..” although Ben hadn’t necessarily liked any of the other Jedi they had trained with, she still didn’t want to tell him, if she had to say it out loud that would make it more real. “They’re all dead Ben, we have to go.”

                ' _It is him my Padawan, you must escape him, he has chosen the dark side, he is no longer one of us, and he has slaughtered them all. Stay safe and I will rescue you soon, I will not fail you.'_

Ben must have felt me tense in the hug, “He just told you, didn’t he? That stupid Skywalker” I didn’t respond, still processing what was happening, Ben had killed them all. “Theo! Theo, listen” He grabbed my face between his hands, and I felt wetness on my face, it was their blood, I didn’t need to see it to know that my face was now covered in Jedi blood. My stomach wretched and I emptied the contents on my dinner onto the ground, feeling tears stream down my face.

                “Ben what, why, I-I don’t understand how you could do this? Why would you do this?” He smiled, once again rubbing his hands on my face, smearing the blood. “I met a man Theo, a great man, and he offered me such amazing things, He thinks I can continue my Grandfathers legacy”

I gasped, why would he envy that evil man, a man who had caused so many people so much pain and heartbreak.

“I’m going to train with him, and he said I can bring you, I know that you wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, so you could just be my companion, he said that would be okay.” He was giddy with excitement. “Theo we can be together like this, the Sith have no rules against marriage, we could be happy, we could have a family Theo, just like we dreamed, we can put this stupid childish friendship behind us and move on.” A family? She was only 16, he was only 19, and how could he think of that? There was also the new fact that he was a MURDER.

   A tear fell down her face, “Ben..” his eyes met hers, a look of pure happiness on his face. “I could never be with you now.” His face fell, “You have killed our brothers and sisters, all in a desperate grab for power and in doing so you have also murdered any love or affection I could ever hold for you.” The atmosphere changed completely, Ben was fuming already, and you were scared of what he could do.

                Suddenly I couldn’t breathe and was force thrown to the ground, feeling her life force quickly escaping my body. This is how I was going to die. Being attacked by the boy she had thought she loved and who she though loved her. _‘Go ahead and kill me Ben, I could never love you now, not after what you did’_ He laughed out loud, using the force to keep you on the ground but you were suddenly able to take a deep breath. “You stupid girl. You think you get an option? You’ll love me, you’ve already loved me once, it’ll just take time, that’s okay I have plenty of it.” He grabbed your hand and pulled you up, “I love you Theo, and soon you’ll love me too.”

                He was suddenly thrown away from you, and onto the ground, you light saber falling to the ground, he must have taken it from you when you weren’t looking. “Theodosia, get on this ship now!” You had been so hypnotized by Ben that you hadn’t noticed Master Luke in the small X-wing, and his out stretched hand. You were quickly on the ship.

Leaving Ben lying in the field, and running with Master from the only place that had ever been home. The first of many you would leave running from the man that you had loved at one point.

               


	2. Damn Map

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo and Poe get a little more than they planed when retrieving a map to Luke Skywalker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the positive feed back! I didn't think I would get a response like that so it really inspired me to keep writing, thanks! :)

I laughed, pushing Poe forward. After the Jedi massacre I had joined the resistance, and over the course of 3, almost 4 years, I had gotten fairly high up in the ranks, and had made something semi-decent of myself, although my slight PTSD from the massacre had made it hard. I met Poe early on, and we’ve been partners ever since. “Can you walk any faster? This desert planet is hot as hell.” BB8 beeped, agreeing with me, “Stop complaining, if you would put your hair up then you wouldn’t be as hot, stupid.”

                I hated wearing my hair up, on my home planet,Cancorour, women wore their hair long, and kept it down until they were married, once they got married they were allowed to cut it or wear it up. It helped me feel connected to my roots by following these traditions still, even though I hadn’t been back there since I could remember.

I laughed, “You’re such a bully, and I’m asking the General for a new partner the second we get back.”

               We finally got to the small village, and Poe knocked once on the hut before entering. The elderly man stood quickly, “Mr. Dameron, Ms. Melanou, it’s a blessing to meet you both, I’ve heard much about your skills as a pilot, Mr. Dameron.” Poe smiled; he always was one for flattery. I for one hated it when people knew who I was, I came with a stigma, people felt bad for me, the poor girl who was hurt by Kylo Ren, who would never have a normal life.

                “And Ms. Melanou, the legends of your beauty are underwhelming, and I can practically feel your connection with the force, a quiet strong one, yes? A Bute filled with power, oh yes I could see how she could be a dangerous one if I was a few years younger myself. “He laughed and winked at Poe, who looked just as uncomfortable with the situation as I was. The guy seemed to mean well, but it caught me slightly off guard. I didn’t think I was ugly, but I wasn’t in the best shape. My thick dark brown hair was falling down my shoulders, my light skin was covered in dirt, and my frame was a bit skinnier than I preferred, but food wasn’t always easy to come by when we were on missions. Also, it was irritating that I was known for my looks rather than my skills, I was one of the best fighters the resistance had, not just something to look at.

                The man placed a small bag into Poe’s hand, “This will begin to make things right.” He spoke more, but I began to zone out. Something bad was about to happen, I could feel through the force that something was wrong. “Poe, something is wrong.” At that exact moment BB8 zoomed into the hut, beeping wildly.

                Shit.

“We have company.” Poe was already out the door, “Sir, please stay here and remain hidden, we will get you once it’s safe.” It would look bad on the resistance if the man died for helping us, plus I felt like he may have had more information. He nodded and I ran out after Poe, struggling to keep up with the larger man’s steps.

                Poe was facing the ships as they came over the ridge, “Poe we have to go, if they find us here they’ll execute this whole village, they can’t be caught with resistance.” If they were caught harboring resistance members it would be a death sentence for these people. He nodded to out ship as the First Order ships began to touch down, and the sound of blasters was immediate, and it was obvious they knew something was going on, and something had occurred involving the resistance.

                We made it to the ship successfully, and as Poe began to start the ship a loud blast rocked it slightly, and the lights in the ship began to shut off. “No,No,No” He was panicking, and as soon as I saw the larger ship touch down I knew why.

                Poe knew about my past, on missions we often slept in close quarters, and he had asked about my nightmares. I had broken down and told him everything, how as a stupid child I had fallen in love with Ben Solo, who became Kylo after the massacre, and how it destroyed me for a long time. He helped me heal, and it was a beneficial relationship for the both of us. The resistance tried to keep me away from him, and it had been successful, so this should be the same.

                “Do you think he…?” I didn’t finish my sentence, “No, the resistance makes sure not to send you anywhere he is even remotely close to, they know what could happen. It’s probably just Hux or Phasma”. I nodded, “we have to move, were sitting ducks in this ship.” He put the chip with the map in BB8’s carrying compartment, and sent him away. BB8 beeped nervously, he didn’t want to leave his Master, which was understandable, “I promise we’ll be back soon, plus imagine how pissed the general would be if I let this idiot die.” I smirked, and BB8 finally agreed before rolling off into the desert.

                We ran to a larger sand hill, and hid behind it, listening. The elderly man from before was forced out of his hut, and to a large waiting figure. As soon as I saw the figure I knew “Poe…” My eyes were watering and tears were threatening to spill over. “I know, I know.” He was dressed in all black, a large hood over his head, and a mask covering his face. His face I hadn’t seen in years, and I was terrified I would be reunited with him soon. Hux was easily recognizable with his bright orange hair, and this body was too tall to be Phasma, it had to be him.

“You know what I’m here for.” God damn it old man, don’t think of us, you’re as good as dead if he finds out you helped us. I also wasn’t very fond of Kylo finding out about me.

His voice was harsher than I remembered, but that could have been the mask.

The man was brave and stood up to Kylo for a surprising amount of time, but when he made a comment about his parents, the man had signed his own death certificate.

                Before I could stop him Poe had fired a shot at Kylo, but he quickly caught it with the force. I pushed myself into the sand, trying to hide from the troopers that carried Poe over in front of the bullet, it worked. Poe you stupid fuck. “So who talks first, you talk first? I talk first?” He was trying to keep Kylo out of his mind; if he saw me in his mind then I was as good as gone. “He gave you the map, didn’t he?”

                “I’m sorry it’s just super hard to understand you with the whole” he motioned to his mask, and despite the seriousness of the situation, I had to keep myself from laughing. “Search him” Poe made the mistake of his eyes flashing over to me briefly, and Kylo had caught it. “You’re not alone are you?” “If that’s your way of hitting on me I’m sorry, I don’t role that way.”

‘ _Poe if I have to watch you die I’ll feel like shit.’_

                At this point Kylo knew where I was, no point in hiding it, “Sweet heart, have you ever seen a situation ol’ Poe couldn’t get out of?”, Kylo turned frantically, trying to find where I was, but Poe only looked head on at him.

                “Search!” The troopers began to frantically look around, but I had already pressed my body deep into the sand. A red light was pointed directly at me, and I saw it reflect, the light had hit the hilt of my saber. The trooper shoved his hand into the sand and ripped me out, wrapping his hand in my long hair, and ripping me forward, leading me to Kylo.

 

                “I did tell you to put your hair up” I laughed at Poe, did he really have to do this now? I kept my eyes on the ground. “Oh do you have a little girlfriend resistance scum?” The trooper let go of my hair. Poe knew what was about to happen, I couldn’t stop Kylo and an army of troopers, so he was about to take me, and possibly kill Poe. “I’m so sorry , we’ll get you back, you know we will I promise, I swear he won’t-“ Kylo cut him off, “Stop your blabbering, look at me, I want your resistance scum boyfriend to watch as I kill you, or maybe I’ll take you on the ship? I’m sure we could find a use for you.” I flinched at his implication.

                I looked up into his mask, and by the way his hand went slack I knew he had realized who I was, I could see my bright green eyes reflected in his mask, and before I could stop myself I had pulled my saber out and activated it, bringing it down quickly, unstrategically due to my fear, on his shoulder. The blow was rash and unthought out.

                Kylo’s unstable red blade hit mine before it hit his shoulder, I hadn’t even seen him pull it out, his raw strength nearly knocked me over, but instead knocked me back a few steps. “DO NOT SHOOT!” His troopers backed up, giving me room to swing this time, the saber starting above my shoulder, and going for his legs, he had the advantage of strength, but I had speed and agility. He blocked this one again, the way his sword hit my twisting my wrist in a painful way that was hard to ignore. I knew I didn’t stand a chance, this man had taught me how to fight; he knew what I would do.

                “Theo, you’re right, don’t do this, you’ll make it worse for yourself.” I flinched at him using my nickname, along with th efact that he had obviously been in my thoughts,he didn’t deserv- “Don’t call her that you sadistic fuck get away, I’ll fucking kill you-“Poe had been my savior by distracting Kylo, and I brought my saber in his upper thigh, if I could hit his artery then he would bleed quickly, and loose his advantage of strength.

                My saber hit its mark, and the horrible smell of burnt flesh was immediate, being hit by a light saber was a horrible pain, it had the sharp pain of a regular blade, along with a horrible burn.

                Kylo roared, obvious sick of playing this game with me, because that’s what it was to him, a game, and now in serious pain. My saber was ripped from my hands by and invisible force and he was quickly by my side, whispering in my ear, not wanting his men to hear him no doubt. “Sleep my love.”              His fingers pressing hard into my temples, and everything quickly began to fade out, hearing Poe yell once more before I drifted into the peaceful oblivion, not ready for what I would wake up to.


	3. Fiancee?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo wakes up in the company of Kylo Ren and Hux, and there is absolutely no way this could go well for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in a day, for a total of 3 chapter in two days? Wow i'm on a role, also Kylo is super hard to write, so sorry if that part sucks, anyways thanks for reading, and the kudos/comments, your comments are great to read and get feed back. If you have any recommendations or ideas for the story please comment them, I'd love to see what you guys want to happen! Thanks!

Kylo’s P.O.V

I sat beside Hux at the table, explaining the situation to him. He needed to know that Theo was under my protection, and that neither he nor the troops could touch her. She was mine, and mine only. “So you’ve brought your long lost whore from the academy on board?” I felt the force flare up, “She isn’t a whore; we have a force bond.” I wonder if Theo even knew about our bond, it wasn’t very strong, because we hadn’t been together in so long, but that would change soon.

Hux paused looking around the small kitchen where we were. “I think this is a horrible idea, and you’re being a naïve fool to think that she loves you, or ever could.”

                I grabbed the table harshly, trying to keep my temper in reign; I couldn’t let Hux get to me. If I lost my temper in front of Theo she would just be more afraid, and that would make the process even more difficult, and I had a feeling that it would be difficult enough as it was. “The supreme leader allowed it, so I don’t really need your permission, she will be trained as my Padawan, and once she regains her skill she will be very beneficial for our cause.” I heard the bedroom door creak open, and her peek her head through, thinking we didn’t see her. I also noticed that she was dressed in my clothes, and felt my own pants get slightly tighter and the possession it gave me over her. It would only be a matter of time until she belonged to me in every way, but I longed to take her. We had sexual encounters as teens, but we had never taken it all the way, and I wanted more than anything to be the only man she was ever with. I had looked through her memories and saw she had never been with anyone else sexually, but she did have romantic feelings for that damn resistance pilot, I would have to deal with him.

                “Ren! I am telling you that just because Supreme Leader approves doesn’t mean it’s a good idea! You’re a problem enough, let alone another one, besides you said her training is lacking severely, is she even any good to us?” Hux’s harsh voice broke me from my thoughts; I took my mask off, hoping it would calm her some to see my face, hoping it would bring back some memories of our time together. Although the stress of my job had aged me, and I looked much older than our last meeting.

                “I told you Hux, I’m going to complete her training, and bring her over to the dark side in time. This is not your concern, I have a force bond with the girl, and it will bring strength to both of us. Also, once you die, I’ll be taking over, and I’ll a queen to rule beside me.” The thought of her ruling beside me had haunted my dreams since we were separated, her mothering my children, creating heirs to our kingdom, a kingdom we would create together. It was also nice to piss off Hux by mentioning his death, which I hoped would be soon.

                I knew what I truly desired more than anything was for her to love me again. My parents had never loved me, I had been deprived of love my entire life, except for her, and I had destroyed that. Now I had begun the task of restoring it, I just had to win her over. Part of me knew that even if she didn’t really love me, I would still keep her with me, despite how I acted around others, the loneliness had a horrible effect on me, and she could change that.

Hux had finally noticed her in the corner of the room, “She doesn’t seem very fond of that idea.” He laughed, trying to piss me off. “Theo!” I made eye contact with her, and she quickly retreated into her room, the sound of the lock clicking into place being awkwardly loud. I looked Hux in the eyes whispering, “The resistance has indoctrinated her against me and our cause, these aren’t her true feelings, but those forced upon her by the resistance. I already have a plan to restore her feelings for me, and then brining her into our cause.” Hux snorted, but said nothing in response.

I watched Hux exit the room as I asked him to leave, I needed to be alone with my darling, my love, Theodosia.

Theo’s P.o.v

Dream:

 

     _I was sitting beside Poe in one of the bunkers; we were on one of our first missions together as a team. He was laughing about something, and I was focused on his face watching him laugh. He had done so much for me in such a short period of time, it had only been a year since the massacre, but in the 6 months I had known Poe I done so much emotional healing that it was astounding, and he had been the main cause of it. Something about him was easy to talk to, easy to tell people things I had never told others. I told him how I still missed Ben, and how I wanted nothing more than to be with him, and he told me that was okay, and eventually he took Ben’s place, and I only thought about him in my nightmares._

_I had developed a huge crush on Poe, it was obvious to everyone except him, but the resistance didn’t encourage relationships among their fighters, and I was still following Jedi code, meaning that romantic relationships were forbidden. For a Jedi relationships were dangerous, they led to possessiveness, and if your partner died, as Jedi often do, it often led to hate, two traits that could lead a person down the path to the dark. That had become one of my biggest fears since Ben, that I would be filled with hate, or any other dark characteristic. I had to be strong, and resist the dark, so that I could avenge my fellow Jedi, and hopefully, one day, begin to train the next generation. I could warn them, and help them avoid the mistakes that I had made._

_Poe’s brown eyes met mine, practically melting away any reservations I had, “watcha’ thinkin’ about?” his voice was playful and careless, something I admired about him, he was always happy, despite our circumstances. “Nothing really.” He laughed, but this time his laugh had some sadness in I, I knew he wanted me to talk to him about it, but how did I tell the man I liked that I was thinking about my sociopathic ex who was currently mutilating the galaxy?_

_“That’s okay, you don’t need to tell me, but if you want, I’m here.” I nodded._

_Suddenly my dream changed to my first kiss with Poe. I had been crying, Poe had woken me up from one of my nightmares, one of the worst one’s in a while. I could still smell the fire when I pushed myself onto Poe, crushing my lips onto his. “Are you sure?” he asked, restraining himself, I nodded, and our kissing became frantic. His lips were rough, and his stubble reminding me that he was probably too old for me, but something comforting came from knowing that Ben wouldn’t be my only kiss, that he didn’t own that aspect of me.Poe’s hands gripped my legs and pulled me onto his lap, my hands roaming in his hair, and the kiss deepening._

_Suddenly my dream changed, my hands were no longer in the short curly hair of Poe, but in the silky long hair of Ben. This kiss was different, we were hidden behind one of the training buildings, and I was pushed against the wall with my legs wrapped around the older boys’ hips. He pushed his hips roughly into me and a groan left his lips, this kiss was harsh and filled with lust, a feeling we had been forbidden from for too long. He began peppering kisses down my neck, aiming for the spot that always made me moan._

_“B-ben” I stopped talking as he got to the spot where my neck met my shoulder and a soft moan emitted from my lips,”W-we shouldn’t do this, if the Masters catch us, they’ll kick us out..”_

_He groaned and looked up to my face, “Theo, they can’t kick you out, you’re one of the strongest trainee’s they have, and Luke can’t kick me out because he’s my uncle.” I pushed a piece of his hair out of his face; his hair was one of my favorite features about him, “Y-yeahh...” I trailed off and he resumed his attack on my neck, his hands now on my waist band, his fingers pushing into my pants, making my stomach jump._

                I was suddenly awoken from my dream, my body lurched forward. I was in some type of bed, with metal cords around my wrists and ankles, but they didn’t bind me to anything. I got up from the large bed, now noticing I was completely naked, except for a pair of panties, that fucking creep probably took my clothes off, granted that it was nothing he hadn’t seen before, but a lot had changed since last time. I looked around and recognized I was in a small room, with a closet, dresser, and large bed. I began to rummage through the closet and pulled out a large white shirt, way too big for me, and a pair of sweat pants that I had to roll up. It was strange to think that Kylo wore these, probably just to bed considering what he was wearing the last time I saw him, but it still felt weird to wear anything that belonged to him. I tried to summon my light saber, but a sharp pain shot through my wrists and ankles, these bands had to be force blockers then, leaving me helpless without the force or my light saber.

                One dressed I ran my fingers through my hair, and went into the closest door, which led to a nice bathroom. I put some toothpaste in my mouth and swished it around before spitting it out, toying with the idea of using the single tooth brush, but deciding against using anything that was in his mouth, it was enough to be wearing his clothes. I washed the dirt from my face, and tried to adjust my hair once again, before exiting back into the bedroom, and deciding to exit through the other door.

                I slowly opened the door, realizing that without my light saber my options for defense were limited. I saw Kylo at a small table, arguing with the man who had to be Hux, judging by the bright orange hair. “Ren! I am telling you that just because Supreme Leader approves doesn’t mean it’s a good idea! You’re a problem enough, let alone another one, besides you said her training is lacking severely, is she even any good to us?” Kylo was obviously agitated, and he hit a button on his mask, lifting it off with a hiss.

                A pang struck through my heart, seeing the man I once loved, his familiar brown hair, sharp nose and jaw, and plump lips. His hair had gotten longer, his face more defined. He would have been 23 now, although he would have just recently had a birthday, his being two months before mine. “I told you Hux, I’m going to complete her training, and bring her over to the dark side in time. This is not your concern, I have a strong bond with the girl through the force, and it will bring strength to both of us. Also, once you die, I’ll be taking over, and I’ll a queen to rule beside me.” He was wrong; my training had ended when he slaughtered the Jedi’s and left me without a Master. He had no right to even talk about continuing it, to talk about taking Master Luke’s’ place. Not after what he did.

                My heart stopped, and I made direct eye contact with Hux, “She doesn’t seem very fond of that idea.” He laughed motioning to me, “Theo!” Kylo had turned and was facing me, a look of pure adoration across his face. I slammed the door shut, and locked it, not being prepared to look him in the eyes like I had. It brought back to many memories, too many of them being positive for my liking.

                This was the man who had taken everything from me, slaughtered our fellow Jedi’s, burned my home to the ground and then forced Master Luke into hiding. Not to mention the countless people he had murdered since joining the Order. This man was a monster in every aspect of the word, but he was also the boy who I had once loved. The boy who I had bared my soul and body to, who I had once mourned our future with, who I wanted nothing more than to be his and for him to mine. He had shown me what love was, and the Lust, before finally exposing me to the hot searing pain of hate. This man had given me everything and then cruelly ripped it from me. I needed to keep that in mind if I was going to be rescued. I had to return to the resistance, to Poe.

                It suddenly flashes through my head, what had happened to Poe? I surely couldn’t ask Kylo, and I couldn’t use the force to feel for him, so I was completely clueless of the whereabouts of my partner. If something happened to Poe I would be heartbroken, he had come to mean so much to me in the past three years, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if it weren’t for him. Not to mention the fact that Leia and BB8 would both kill me if anything happened to him, I had promised BB8 that his master would return, and I needed to make true on that promise, not only for the bot, but for myself as well. I doubt the Order would kill him, at least not right away, he was high in the chain of commanders, and had a ton of useful information, they were probably holding him for questioning. I could only hope that Kylo was too distracted with me to be the one to question him.

                I didn’t want this monster anywhere near Poe.

                “Hux, I think it’s time for you to take your leave. I have things to discuss with my..” he trailed off, as if looking for the correct word, “Fiancée.”

Fiancée? What the hell? I think the fuck not. If he thought we were engaged in any sense of the word then he was even more deranged than we had previously thought.

We were not, and never would be, engaged, I would have to force that it idea from his head. Maybe I could bring him back to the light? Leia had thought some light remained in him, but I had told her that none remained, and I believed it until I saw the painful way he looked at me. The way he looked like his world had been made whole by my presence/ I had spent 3 years hating this man with every inch of my being, but all it took for doubt to grow there was one look at him, I had to eliminate any feeling I had for him, before it got in the way of my mission, that’s what this had become.

                ‘No Theo, Ben Solo is dead, the man you loved is dead, and he has been replaced with a monster that had decimated the galaxy. He has murdered thousands, women and children among them, Ben among them.’

                I hardened my heart against him, I had to make sure I didn’t let him use to love I used to have against me. He had already spoken of me to Hux, and he spoke of me like royalty, to “rule beside him’, If I let my guard down he would break me down a mold me into the darkness. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to survive until the resistance rescued me.        

                My thoughts were interrupted by the lock on the door unlocking, and Ren walking through the door. He walked over, not saying a word to me, but sat beside me, throwing his arm over my shoulder in a romantic motion. I pried his arm off me, and tried to scoot further away, but he held me in place with the force.

“It’s been a long time Theo.”

I snorted, “Not long enough.”

                He cut straight to the point, ignoring my comment, “Why did you leave me Theo?” “We were never together, so there was nothing to leave.” He was getting mad at this point, and I knew I was taking a risk. “That’s not what I mean and you know that!” Jesus 0 to 100 much? He sighed out loud, trying to calm down, “I offered you the world, a way for our love to flourish, a way for us to flourish, why did you turn it down.”

                I tried to decide what to do, should I tell him the truth? Or should I lie, try to keep myself safe, there was less of a chance of him flipping out if I lied, but I couldn’t risk him thinking I was still in love with him in any way. “I was a foolish child who fell in love with **_Ben Solo_ , **Ben died the night of the Jedi massacre, at the hands of Kylo Ren. I could never love someone as cruel as you. You have Ben’s face, his memories, and his voice, but you will **_never_** be Ben, and I will **_never_** love you.”

                He was instantly on his feet, his light saber cracking violent as he swung it around the room, taking care not to hit me. His anger being obvious, I only heard legends of his temper, Ben had always had a temper, but nothing like this. He screamed, slashing everything he could, before turning to me. His hair was a mess framing his face, eyes wide, and spit flying from his mouth as he said in an eerily calm voice. “Ben Solo is dead, and I have grown from his place, with more power and potential than that weakling could ever have.”

                He squatted down, grabbing my chin tightly, “You **_will_** grow to love me, and I will make sure of it.”

As he stormed out of the room I had only one thought left. _‘Poe, dear God please hurry’._


	4. Matt the Tech

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo escapes her room, and finds Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this up! I've been super busy with family holiday stuff, but im leaving again tommorow, so I wanted to get this up before we left, so sorry if it feels rushed.

_Flashback 4 months before the massacre_

_“Ben” His name was a giggle on my lips as his hand wrapped around my waist in an all too comfortable way. “We.Are.Supposed.To.Be.Praticing” Each word punctuated with a quick kiss. This boy would be the death of me. He pushed my head into his shoulder, my small frame barely being able to reach it. “Then why are you distracting me?” His voice was playful, but I knew he was partially serious, he had been spending less and less time with me lately, and he always seemed focused on something else. I had told myself it was due to his high level missions, but the other Jedi in his level were around much more than him, some days I didn’t see him at all, and it left a shocking hole in my chest. Whether I liked it or not I was reliant on the older boy, in the beginning of our relationship I had been able to pass it off as our force bond, that between a teacher and his student, but it was quickly obvious that our bond was much different, much stronger, and much more intense._

_I placed my hand on his chin, “Why are you gone so much lately Ben? I miss you, and if we don’t train then I’ll get rusty. What’ll happen if some brute attacks me? I’ll be stuck being a damsel in distress” We swayed, his beautiful face looking down at mine, it was almost unnatural how perfect the scene was, how he was. “Well” He kissed me, “I’d be your knight, so it’s not like your training even really matters…..” The mental image was funny, and made me smile, Ben in full body armor, and me in a gown by his side, the image made it hard to be mad at him._

_“Ben Solo!” He chucked, “You know I’m joking, I’d feel sorry for any fool who tried to attack you.”_

_Our moment was suddenly interrupted by Ben being jerked backwards by his collar. Luke Skywalker’s angry face was suddenly a lot scarier than I thought it would be. “I came to find Ben to ask why he’s been missing lessons, but I’m afraid I may have just found the answer.” Ben was quick to get in front of his uncle, “You’ve seen the obvious growth in her performance since I began her extra training, you can’t deny that it’s helping her, we’ve both learned a lot, and I think that-“_

_His rambling was quickly cut off, “If you were only training I would have no problem with this situation, but I do not think that is what’s happening here.” He looked between the both of us. Ben and I had known this would happen eventually, but we had childishly ignored the risks. “As Jedi in training you know that romantic relationships are **strictly** forbidden.” He eyed me, knowing that I would feel guilty. I owed Master Luke and the academy my life; they had taken me in and protected me from the life of poverty I would have likely been subject to if I had stayed on my home planet._

_“So here is what is going to happen. Ben you will resume your regular lessons, along with your private lessons with me, and you will **not** see Theodosia for the remaining of your time at the academy.” Ben had private lessons with Master Luke? He had never mentioned them, and he also had a strong dislike of his uncle, so it didn’t make much sense for him to ask for even more time with him, and for the rest of his time at the academy? Ben still had almost a year left, how were we expected to be so close to each other and stay away for that long?_

_“Theodosia, To begin with, I expected better from you.” He expected better from me but not Ben? I was pretty pissed at this, Ben was just as responsible as I, why was he acting like it was my fault? “You will continue your regular lessons among your classmates, and we will be adding additional time with your, already, extra physical training and conditioning.” My small build was different from most Jedi’s. Ben had always enjoyed my un-typical build, but Master Luke couldn’t know that right? “You will keep your distance from Ben for the rest of his time at the academy, and if you two are seen together again by anyone, drastic actions will be taken, I hope you both realize how dangerous this situation is.” I nodded, and noticed that Ben simply kept his eyes on the ground, his temper visibly rising. ”Jedi are forbidden from romantic relationships because of the negative emotions they harbor, Envy, Possiveness, these are all unnecessary risks that you are taking, and they cannot be allowed.”_

_We all stood silent for a moment before Ben’s voice rang out chillingly. “Anakin loved Padme.” His sentence was short and seemed to rip the air from the clearing. Luke responded before I could even fully process what Ben had said, his voice was scarily harsh, a way I had never seen the Master. “Anakin Skywalker was not a Jedi, he was a coward, and regardless, look what his love got him, look where he is now. Rotting and alone.” Why was this a big subject for them? I knew that Ben had idolized his grandfather’s independence, but was there something more?_

_Ben snapped, in a way I had never seen him. “Darth Vader had an amazing vision for the galaxy he was going to change it for the better!” Luke was in his face almost instantly, his large steps taking only seconds to approach the larger boy. “Anakin was a traitor who betrayed everyone who loved him, he accomplished nothing but causing pain for everyone who loved him, and nearly destroying the entire galaxy in his hungry power grab.”_

My dream was ended by a weight dropping onto the bed; I didn’t have to look to see that Kylo was laying in the bed now. It made my skin crawl to know he was so close to me. I couldn’t help but wondering if he had killed people today. He obviously went on some missions, but what did he do between the missions? Maybe that was all he did, a murderous hound for the order? If so that would make my job of escaping a lot harder.

Kylo twisted his body, his hand lying across my hip, no doubt testing me to see if I was still awake. My lack of reaction must have pleased him, because his soft snores were soon filling the room. It’d been 2 days, that I knew of, since Poe and I were taken. I still knew nothing about Poe, and the situation with Kylo was even tenser than when it began.

He had brought me clothes earlier in the day, and it had been a good day, until he tried to kiss me. By the end of the fight he had a slip lip, and our room was destroyed. We really were a toxic combination.

I had changed so much over the course of three years, and so had he. Before everything happened I was Naïve, I thought that people would protect other people, and that there was goodness in everyone. Ben was protective and passionate, and was one of the most brilliant Jedi of our generation, destined for something amazing. Now we were here. I was a stubborn rebel, with barley half of the training I should have gotten, and him, the infamous leader of an evil agenda, who had probably slaughtered more people than I had ever met. Together we made a hurricane, destroying everything in our path, and probably each other.

I sat there for a while, before slowly slipping out of the bed, placing Kylo’s hand on his chest, hoping he didn’t wake up. The door clicked behind me, and I was in the living room/ kitchen area, or what was left of it. He had nearly demolished the couch, along with the small kitchen table. His saber was nowhere in sight, I had never seen his saber on him, or anywhere in our small apartment, and I was beginning to think that he purposefully kept it hidden from me, like I could take it from him with these bands on my wrists and ankles?

I noticed the lack of humming that usually filled the kitchen, and to my joy my suspicions were correct, power to the main door was cut, probably the Tec’s trying to fix what Kylo had damaged earlier. I grabbed one of the legs of the chair that was lying on the floor. Ready for the Trooper that would likely be outside the door, but to my surprise there wasn’t one.

My feet made quiet pat sounds on the cold metal in the hallways, which were surprisingly empty. “Are you looking for the cafeteria?” I turned and saw a lanky man in a Tec’s uniform behind me, and he must have noticed my pause. “Yeah this place can be confusing, are you new?” “Yeah, I’m new.” My mind was slightly foggy and I struggled to come up with an acceptable lie, lucky for me the boy was naïve. “Well, it’s down the left hall way, and take a right.” I nodded, eyeing the tools around his waist. “Could you maybe show me the way?”

His nod was instant and overzealous, a mess of blonde curls flopping on his head. “I’ll have to be quick though, I’m on the job.” I smiled, “Yeah of course.” I almost felt guilty for what I was about to do to the poor guy, he was only trying to be helpful, but I had to get these cuffs off if I was going to have any chance of escaping the ship with Poe.

As soon as we had turned the corner and I made sure the hallway was empty I brought the chair leg I had previously hid in my shirt into his temple, knocking him over instantly. “Wha..?” A trickle of blood was running down his head, but he wasn’t completely out cold. I grabbed the small blow torch from his belt, and pushed him against the wall, I’m sure he would be found and receive help quickly. “I’m really sorry”, I looked at his name tag, “Matt, but I have to go, and I really need this, I hope you’re not too mad at me?” He didn’t respond, but looked at the floor.

The blow torch made quick work of the cuffs and ankle bracelets, but as they hit the floor each began to emit an alarm, and I knew Kylo would be here soon. I pressed myself behind Matt, hearing two pairs of footsteps approaching. “So who is it exactly?” “Dude, I explained it to you three times, apparently Kylo Ren has like a girlfriend Jedi or something, and she got taken by someone on the ship.” Taken? Was he that embarrassed by the fact he had to kidnap the girl he liked?

I slung one of the troopers into the wall, and was quickly face to mask with the other. “ _You will show me where the resistance prisoner is being held.”_ His answer was muddled, but what I wanted to hear, “I will show you where the resistance prisoner is being held.” I pulled the uniform off the other trooper, throwing my clothes over him, so he had at least a little cover, and the other began to lead the way.

We had crossed many troopers by the time we arrived at Poe’s cell, letting me know that my assumptions about the bracelets were right, they were alarmed. I looked mask to mask with the trooper again, “ _Report to the cafeteria, alert everyone that you saw a girl with long brown hair near the west wing, she was injured.”_ He nodded “There was a girl with long brown hair; she was hurt near the West wing.” Perfect, I needed everyone away from the hangar so Poe could fly us out.

I hit the button from the outside, opening the door, and entered it. Poe was strapped tightly to a metal bed with cuts and bruises all over him. His head was turned away from me. “Poe!” His head snapped in my direction confused until I pulled the mask off. He was instantly grinning, a trickle of blood coming from his split lip.“Theo have I told you how much I love you?” I laughed. “Stop kissing my ass, we’ve got to go Dameron.” I used to force to open the latches, and helped him down. “Can you fly still?” He half chuckled half groaned in pain, “I can always fly.” Good.

We were almost to the door when I stopped him, “Poe, if it comes between us, I need you to go. You have to let the General know that there is none of Ben left, he’s completely-“I was cut off by the doors opening a few feet from us. Kylo’s dark hair and Hux’s all too familiar ginger hair a painful sight. “Well shitttt” Poe almost made me laugh, “Poe back up”.

Hux’s cocky voice rang through the room, “I think you both should back up and put your hand about your head on the wall.” God he was so fucking creepy, and it like always Poe seemed to read my mind. “You’d like that wouldn’t you? You creepy perv! I’m not something for you to objectify!” I swear Poe would be the death of me, but Hux’s reaction was priceless. “That’s not what I mean at all!” His face was bright red, due to either anger of embarrassment, hopefully the latter. “Oh I’m sure!”

Feeling Kylo’s intense stare on my face I turned to him. I could almost see a slight smile on his face, but his gaze was directly on me. The loud foot steps behind them let me know that troopers had arrived, and my plan to distract them hadn’t worked.

Looking between Hux and Kylo I had only one though: How am I going to get us out of this shit?


	5. Terrible shot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this sis a short one, but the next chapter is already in the works, also I never realized how hard it is to write fight scenes until now, so that was a struggle,lol.

My feet were planted on the ground; I had pushed Poe slightly behind me, trying to figure out how we were going to get out of this mess. Kylo’s eyes were trained tightly on me, and I found myself wanting to shrink away from his intense gaze, and his intensity in general. It was obvious how he had risen in rank so quickly, he was filled with unadulterated power, and his very presence demanded respect, he could command a room simply by entering it, and quite frankly it was terrifying.

I quickly force grabbed a blaster from one of the troopers behind Kylo and handed it to Poe, “Theo I’m a terrible shot, you know that.” He laughed quickly, but it was a forced laugh, and it felt wrong, he had to be even more nervous than me. Kylo wouldn’t kill me, he would keep me alive, but Poe was expendable, he was relying on me, and risking so much more than me.

                “Yeah, we’ll they didn’t until now, your idiot.” I knew he was smiling behind me, but I couldn’t turn to look, not wanting to risk it. I noticed that our humor had gone unappreciated by both Hux and Kylo; Hux appeared to be somewhat excited, which wasn’t surprising, being a general he had to feed off the chaos of battle, this is where he thrived. Together Hux and Ren made an all too perfect pair, they both fed off of pure chaos, both chasing power in a way that destroyed other, and both were blood thirsty.

I felt annoyance radiating from Kylo, in my short two day stay the bond had already grown significantly, and I almost always felt his rage, his constant anger and desire to damage someone or something, nothing like the Ben who I had once known, the Ben who was constantly emitting nothing but a desire for power and a passion that could make the strongest of men blush. This is what he’d become, this is what he had squandered his potential on. Becoming a hungry hound for the First Order. “So who talks first? I talk first, you talk first?” Poe repeated the first thing he had ever said to Kylo, and another burst of annoyance shot through the room, considering how little time Kylo had known Poe, it was shocking how much he hated him, and I couldn’t help wonder if it was because he was with the resistance, or because he knew we had feelings for each other.

I felt bad for being in Poe’s head, he hated when I used the force to do that, but I had to tell him without alerting the others. _‘Now.’_

He fired a shot at Hux, hitting the top of his shoulder; he really was a shitty shot. I used the force to try to hold Kylo in place, but had to let him go when Hux charged Poe. I noticed that he troopers hadn’t moved during the whole encounter, they were probably only there for intimidation purposes, and had been ordered to stay out of the fight.

Without my light saber I couldn’t fight Kylo directly, only defensively, giving him the upper hand.

Hux looked surprised when Poe fired another shot, missing him this time, and blood was seeping through his shirt, creating a disheveled appearance I had never seen on him before, he would be desperate and dangerous, but Poe would have to take care of him. I used the force to pull Kylo’s saber away from him, throwing it where neither of us could reach it. Hand to hand combat was my best, and probably only, chance.

I ran at Ren, and pushed my foot into the back of his knee hoping to push him down, but failing. His large hand was instantly wrapped around my arm, trying to throw me to the ground, I used my other arm to press into the soft spot of his elbow, causing him to let go of my arm. I twisted my body around so my back was to him, and brought my elbow into his nose, a gush of blood almost instantly erupting, telling me I had probably broken his nose.

I quickly punched him in the throat, knowing he would be distracted by his nose, and then kicked him in the chest, causing him to stumble back. Kylo had always beat me with a saber, and sometimes even in the force, but he struggled with hand to hand combat, he relied too much on his physical size, and not on his skill. This is where I had the advantage.

“Hey Uh, Theo” I was about to use to force to hold Kylo to the floor when Poe called out, I looked over to him and saw Hux had him pinned against his own body with a knife to his throat. “Really Poe? I gave you the easy one” While Hux was distracted with my comment I knocked him down with the force and ripped the knife out of his hands with some struggle, the smaller man was stronger than he looked.

Before I could say anything to Poe I felt a sharp pain in my head, and felt the pressure of fingers pushing into my temples, letting me know what was happening as my vision began to blur. “Ren, I thought you said you could handle having her on base?” Hux’s voice was the last thing I heard as I completely passed out, leaving me completely vulnerable with the monster for the second time in less than a week.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry its been so long, im super busy with school and work atm, so I haven't had a ton of time to work. Algebra 2B is kicking my ass, so I've been trying to work on that along with Spanish 2, and two AP classes, so its a pretty big work load, along with 20-30 work hours a week, but I'll do my best to update quicker next time, any ways thanks for reading!

When I awoke this time I was more guarded than the last time. Kylo sat by the bedside, if you could call it a bed. It was really more of a metal table, with cuffs holding down my arms and legs. Kylo was looking at me, his eyes fastened on mine, we sat like that for a few minutes, him looking at me, me looking at the wall beside him, my head was too restrained to look any farther away.  
    

                “Why did you do that?” his voice shattered the silence, but I kept my gaze aside from him. “Are you seriously asking me why I tried to escape the mass murder that kidnapped me? Is that a genuine fucking question right now?” I probably should have been less rude, but I was filled to the brim with anger. He seemed to accept my question as an answer because we both were silent for another moment.

               “Where is Poe?”  
  

 “The pilot has been taken care of.” His sentence made me lose my breath, and I fought to keep the tears at bay. “What does that mean Ben” I made sure to call him ben, if I was in pain right now I would do every damn thing in my capability to make him hurt too.  
                                   He warranted it.  
 “It means he is no longer a concern to you.” He wasn’t budging but I had to keep pushing, maybe if he lost it he would tell me the truth, because Poe couldn’t be dead. It was my responsibility to protect him and if Kylo had killed him I had not only failed, but I had practically given him a death sentence by being near him. Kylo probably wouldn’t have given him a second thought if he wasn’t with me, and now he may be dead, without accomplishing any of the things he had dreamed of, he had been destined for astounding things, but that could be over now, all because of me.  
  

         “Your mother’s been sick Ben, if you have any dispositions to atone for what you've done you may want to do it soon. I'm not sure about your father, no one has had contact with him for a while.” Leia was truly fine, but I had to get under his skin, worse case scenario I pissed him off and he killed me, which is generous in comparison to staying with him. “Actually she’s been sick for a while Ben, and it's your fault.” His anger was filling the room quickly. “See Ben, she thinks that somehow you’re still yourself and that some way you’ll recover and come back to the light, she's been so concerned about you and taking care of you that she won't take care of her damn self.” I paused, taking in a shaky breath, I could tell that I had his attention now, so I decided to make it count. “But for me?”  
  

           “I don't think Ben died in the Jedi temple, which is what I thought before I saw you again, actually I think Ben died years before that.I think you were always like this. I think you just hid it and manipulated people into doing what you wanted, but that could only get you so far, so you finally had to show your true colors.You can accuse your parents of sending you away all you want, you can blame your uncle Luke for driving you too hard, hell you can blame the other Jedi for ostracising you, but I think that you’ve always been this sick, repugnant person, I think you manipulated the shitty situations you were handed and instead of doing something productive you let it consume you. You let yourself become this, and nothing will ever change that, or my opinion of you. I hate you, Kylo Ren."  
    

He was on his feet by the time I finished. “Shut up!” Something flew, and something sparked by my head. His temper had always been bad as kids; he’d throw tantrums even as a teen, but now with the amount of power he had, his tantrums were terrifying. “You have no room to talk!”  He was pacing in a near sprint, “You think you’re better than me because you went to the rebel’s side?” He was right by my ‘bed’ now, his face was right by my ear, the proximity making me apprehensive, with these cuffs on my wrist I stood no chance against him, I could still feel the fatigue in my muscles from fighting with him the first time, my body couldn't stand against his again, not successfully.

“You.Are.Just.As.Bad.As.Me”

       His words were filled with venom, and his rage was palpable in the room.  
    “You encouraged our relationship just as much as I did; you manipulated me just as much as I did you. Hell at least Luke knew what was going to happen to me, but you? He expected so much from you, he really thought you were going to be something amazing, he really thought that you were going to be on his side.”   
 

   My teeth were tightly together “I am on his side, that’s why I’m with the resistance.”

                      His laugh was depressed and felt wrong, it was so different from what it had been years ago, now it felt bitter and angry. “You were with the resistance.” He wasn’t by my side anymore, but moving farther away. “They gave you the job of guarding the pilot, I looked through his memories, and the general was there, she said that he was your charge. She trusted you with an immense part of the resistance, and you lost it, you lost him.” I could feel tears in my eyes. I hadn’t thought of what going to the resistance without Poe would be like, I hadn’t allowed myself because I didn’t really believe he was dead, he couldn’t be, Poe was strong, Poe was a fighter.  
    “And him? He was so in love with you, he practically worshipped you, it was pathetic actually. He wasted every day pining for you, and sure you liked him back moderately, but never like me, you never loved him like you loved me. Because you belong to me, and we will always belong to each other. “  
 

                    A tear ran down my face, just thinking about Poe was sufficient to make me exhausted. I had to believe he was still alive, because if not then I’d lost it all. He was my tie to the resistance; he was why I felt so strongly about the cause. Not the ideas them self but the people they protected. Now that may be gone. “Your life at the resistance may be over, but Theo your life with the order has just begun.”  
    

                 My voice was shakier than I would have liked, but my voice still was filled with anger,” I will never be with you, and I will never be with the Order.”  
    Kylo looked at me with loathing and perhaps a little sadness. “Theo, you don’t have any choice. If you’d just come to me willingly it would be amazing. I can offer you the galaxy, anything you could eternally desire. I would lay it all at your feet if you would just come to me, let things be like they used to, we loved each other once I know we can do it again.”  
  I didn’t respond, and after a few moments of silence, he took the hint, “If you don’t choose me, you’ll get no one. You’ll stay in your room, the staff won’t speak to you, and you’ll have no communication aside from me. I’ll escort you to your room, and let you consider your decision.”    
    He utilized the force to open the locks on my bed, and I was abruptly rushing to the ground, my legs too feeble to support myself. My knee’s hit the ground with a thud, and the shock of actually hitting the ground almost hurt more than the pain. A small part of me had expected him to catch me, he easily could have used the force to keep me from falling, but he had chosen not to. He was already trying to make me suffer. The walk back to my room was silent, and after he dropped me off he made no attempts to talk to me. The door was shut as soon as I was fully through it.  
    

               If I had known how long the door would stay closed I might have made more of an effort to keep it open, I might have tried to have a solid conversation with Kylo, who knows what I would have done. But in reality, I had no clue what I was in for, and for my dignities sake, that was probably a good thing.


End file.
